i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
