I only kidnapped one of them. chill
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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