tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
