Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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