opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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