Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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