i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
