my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
