If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
