I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
