I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
