I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
