and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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