Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
