Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
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