I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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