I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
