hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
