Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
