my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
