LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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