Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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