I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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