also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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