I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
