also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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