so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
