Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
