4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Randomize
