first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
