nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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