I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
