It's Friday. Sex?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize