Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I just threw up on my dentist
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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