I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
