she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
