The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
