The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize