im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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