just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
