babies were throwing up all over the place
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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