my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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