Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
