I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize