im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
