You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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