I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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