How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
