then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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