There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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