it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
