idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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