I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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