Me too!
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
