hotel room ftw
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
