I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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