There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
