Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
