new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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