I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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