It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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